STARRING......
PAMELA ANDERSON as HELEN
JACK NEO as MENELAUS, King of Sparta
MARILYN MANSON as AGAMEMNON, Brother to Menelaus, King of some place. Think it's Greece
The Gandalf guy as PRIAM, King of Troy
BRAD PITT as ACHILLES
EDDIE MURPHY as ACHILLES' HEEL
ERIC BANA as HECTOR, heir to kingdom of Troy, elder son of Priam
JACK BLACK as PARIS, Younger son of Priam
- start script -
ONCE upon a time some 3,200 years ago, there were six cities in the world before earthquakes split them into what they are now.
The cities were A, B, C, Sparta, Greece, and Troy.
Menelaus (JACK NEO), an old, fat ugly faggoty looking guy, has a beautiful wife. Her name is Helen (PAM ANDERSON). Now, it is a common myth that Helen of utmost beauty. She is so beautiful, and all men wanted her for themselves.
It is said that Helen herself was the daughter of Zeus, thus she was half a goddess, and that's why men everywhere are so mesmerized by her.
That's BULLSHIT.
Men don�t realize it 3,200 years ago, but Helen is so beautiful merely because of her big boobs. That�s right; nothing fantastic, just boobs.
This is proven true because 3,100 years later some scientists did experiments of Helen's corpse to find that her features are nothing spectacular. But her boobs? Ah... Beautiful and big they are. The biggest in Greek history anyway.
In fact, Menelaus has never seen her face before. Helen, frustrated that Menelaus never speaks to her face, tries to ask him to look up a little, but Menelaus never heard her. It's difficult to hear when all the blood's at his dick (surprisingly not enough for it to stand properly)
Helen is frustrated with Menelaus' marriage. She feels like walking herself into an ocean everyday spent with him. (actual line)
Now indeed this Menelau�s jokes are not funny, PLUS he is ugly AND he speaks to her boobs, but hello?? He is a KING!
But Helen is not one for deep thoughts. She seeks...love.
*
Meanwhile, far away in the city of Troy, Priam, a foggy type of king, reigns.
He has two sons.
The chivalrous Hector (ERIC BANA), and the casanova Paris (JACK BLACK).
Priam, wanting an alliance with Menelaus, sends his two sons over to Sparta to try to make peace.
Paris sees Helen. Paris stares at boobies. Paris is in love.
Paris, to Helen: "Oh my Zeus those, I mean, you, are beautiful."
Helen: "Shit, not another."
Paris: "Wo ke yi jio ni ma?"
Helen: "WTF are you talking about?!"
Paris: "I was trying to speak in Chinese, it�s cool."
Helen weeps. "Oh, I am so unhappy in my marriage with Menelaus! I seek love!"
Paris: "Why beautiful one! But you must be loved by so many!"
AT this point of time, Hector stepped on a nail, which pierced through his foot. Being the gallant warrior he is, he merely had time to give out a loud shriek and decidedly pulled the nail outta his foot as if it is but a nail through a foot.
His shout attracted Paris' attention, and he looked over Helen's shoulder at his brother.
Helen: "Oh you looked at my face! You must be the love of my life, oh courageous, lovely one! No one has ever done that."
Paris: "What say you we have sex now?" (BTW his eyes are back to the boobs, and he is muttering 'beautiful indeed, beautiful...' to himself)
Helen: "Oh my love!"
They proceed to have hot steamy sex on a viney bed with satin and velvet cushions in (make a guess) plush red.
Paris: "Oh that was good! What say you, my queen, that we have sex again?"
And they have sex again. Even Paris is surprised that such an, erm, ugly face can get Helen, but he doesn't know it's coz he looked at her.
*
Soon after 'true love', Paris and Hector are ready to go back to Troy.
In case you are wondering why Hector is not interested in Helen, it is because Paris has herpes and he is scared. Condoms weren't invented.
Paris packs Helen into a small aircon shell.
(3,200 years later this was used as an NKF stunt by Sharon Au)
Helen has difficulties because of the boobs but managed to get in.
Paris, to Hector: "Would you fight for me, brother?" (actual line)
Hector: "Why leh?"
Paris: "I stole Helen of Sparta and packed her on this ship with us."
Hector slaps Paris. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, YOU SELF-CENTRED BASTARD??! NOW SPARTA WILL DECLARE WAR ON US!"
Paris: "But... but I love her!"
Hector: "Oh no you don�t! You don�t know anything about love!"
Paris: "I do too!"
Hector: "How about love for father and for your country? Forgot it. Let�s bring her back, since she is... so very beautiful."
*
-In Troy-
Priam: "My sons! Welcome back! Hey wait. Helen of Sparta?!!!! Why is she here, Paris? You fucking around again? WANT TO DIE AH?!"
Paris: "Very beautiful, don't you think?"
Priam, Paris and Hector: "Very�."
Helen: *rolls eyes *
Prism: "Let's see you cook us some Sparta dishes, woman. Frying pan in the cupboard there."
*
-Meanwhile in Sparta-
Menelaus, thundering: "Where the Helen!"
Maids: "I dunno mam, I dunno! Don't send me bach mum... Please mum."
Menelaus: "She gone to Paris? I mean, with Paris?! WHY, JUST BECAUSE I AM OLD AND FUGLY?!"
Menelaus: "I DECLARE WAR ON TROY!"
Agamemnon (MARILYN MANSON), who fought cities A, B and C such that they became Greece. : "Don't worry bro. I've got Achilles. He will help you fight the war. TROY SHALL BE MINE, AND HELEN YOURS!"
Menelaus and Aga: Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!
*
-Achilles walking on a beach-
Achilles (BRAD PITT) is checking out his muscles in a pool of water.
Ach: "Man I should be a model. Look at me, I'm sure I'd be the sexiest man alive should I be born 3,200 years later, ha ha ha."
Ach: "Plus, I'm indestructible! HOW COOL IS THAT?"
Ach: "Except I got this problem of talking to myself. Man, I'm sexy. So darn sexy, baby! Woohoo!"
Ach: "I don't understand ah. Since young, all the mosquitoes which sting me get their needles broken. I'm indestructible ha ha ha ha ha! All but my heel! Weird."
Ach's man: "Lord. Agamemnon says we shall have war on Troy! Let's go!"
Ach: "Wah lau sian."
*
-Troy-
Big war.
Troy wins.
Agamemnon: "Shit la we lost. Let's send a big horse into Troy."
Author's note: I'm a bit tired by now.
Menelaus: "For fuck?!"
Aga: "I don't know. Let's send in a lot of our ugliest men to rape all the womenfolk there so that in future all the Trojans are actually big fat Greeks! How cool is that?!"
Priam's voice: "You can dream on about your big fat Greek weddings, Agamemnon!"
Aga: "AH FREAKY! Where are you, traitor Priam? Why are you hiding at thy area?!"
Priam's voice: "Ha ha scared you didn't I? I'm Achilles' heel (EDDIE MURPHY) and I can impersonate people!"
Aga: "A heel can talk?!"
Achilles� heel: "Yes."
Aga: * gasp *
Paris comes into the picture: "I shall kill Achilles! Where is he?"
Aga: "Dunno, dunno, dunno, dunno�"
Paris: "SHUT UP~! Where is he! Speak!"
Achilles, coming into the picture too: "Where's that fucking heel of mine? Anyone saw it? Was hopping away from me just now, the filthy thing."
Paris: "Ah there you are, Achilles!"
Achilles: "You have shown courage, Paris." (actual line)
Paris: "I came to take your head back to Troy to replace the head you took off Apollo' statue!!"
Achilles: "You show courage, Paris."
Paris: "And moreover, I'm fucking Helen! She is gorgeous. Who are you fucking?"
Achilles: "You show courage, Paris." (Achilles said this line like 3 times)
Paris, blowing up: "FUCK LA DUDE HOW MANY TIMES YOU WANNA SAY THAT IS THAT THE ONLY LINE YOU EVER SAY?"
Achilles: "You show courage, Paris, you show courage, Paris, you show.."
Paris, raising arrows and getting ready to shoot: "STFU!!!!"
Paris aims, but shoots so badly, it hits Achilles' heel, which, surprisingly, at this point of time is playing Cluedo with Agamemnon.
Achilles' heel: "Oh fucker you hit me!!!"
Achilles: "Paris!!! No!!! Don't shoot! (actual line, not by Ach)"
Paris: "Siao liao, what did I shoot!"
Achilles, looking highly orgasmic for a person dying: "I am so in pain and dying!"
(I'm tired let's wrap this up)
Agamemnon gets a heart attack and dies. Menelaus dies of grief of loss of sibling. Priam dies of herpes (I think you know why). Paris dies of herpes. Helen of Troy dies of herpes.
Sole survivor is Hector.
*
-3,200 years later-
Descendent of Hector: I must make sure people will remember Troy forever! For Strength, On-ner, and glow-ry!
Thus the computer Trojan is invented.
*****
I'm damn bo liao, don't you think?
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